Eye candy or a fruitful spirit?
I was asked, “Papa Solo, Christian sisters of today want tall, dark and handsome qualities in their prospective partners. What do you think about this?” This post was my response to the dear brother:
For a sister to desire a Denzel Washington looking type of guy or a tall, dark, ripped and handsome Christian NBA player is not a problem. We were created with an eye for excellence and beauty. In any case, what may be super handsome for sister ‘A’ may not be same for sister ‘B’. Beauty or handsomeness is not the same in the eyes of all people. It lies in the eyes of a beholder. It varies from person to person. In addition, true beauty i.e. the beauty of the inner being [the spirit], comes from the settling of the Glory upon a person’s life. For ladies this comes from their conduct.
1Pe 3:3-5 Let not yours be the [merely] external adorning with [elaborate] interweaving and knotting of the hair, the wearing of jewelry, or changes of clothes; (4) But let it be the inward adorning and beauty of the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which [is not anxious or wrought up, but] is very precious in the sight of God. (5)
For it was thus that the pious women of old who hoped in God were [accustomed] to beautify themselves and were submissive to their husbands [adapting themselves to them as themselves secondary and dependent upon them].
This notwithstanding, there is absolutely nothing wrong with sisters who look out for eye candy if it’s placed in its proper place. It is not a crime.
The Challenge
The problem arises when sisters or brothers prioritize physical attributes over spiritual attributes. It should be the other way round. The spiritual weight and beauty of the person must have the highest priority. 2 Cor 5:16 says, “So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now!” This is arguably what made Paul greater than some of the disciples of Jesus who knew him more out of physical relationship than through a spiritual evaluation. For example if I was evaluating a potential bride to be, the first action is to seek the mind of God. Following that I would consider her spiritual attributes first before her physical beauty. I would consider what Apostle Peter calls “the hidden man of the heart…even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price“—1Per 3:4
Evaluating the heart/spirit of a prospective partner?
The heart is spiritual and hence can only be evaluated with spiritual tools—the chief being the scriptures.
Here are a few things sisters or brothers can use to evaluate the spiritual bearing or weight of a friend or prospective life partner.
- THE HOME: In the physical we weigh each other sometimes from watching what kind of home you come from. It gives us an idea of how you were raised. Spiritually it’s the same; much can be deduced about a person from what kind of church home they belong to. It gives an idea of what type of spiritual training a person has received.
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SPEECH : One simple way is to use the following scriptures:
Matt 12:34 You brood of snakes! How could evil men like you speak what is good and right? For whatever is in your heart determines what you say.
From the scripture, Jesus points out that to know the contents of a person’s heart, watch consistently what they SPEAK. God and His Word are one. Likewise a man and his words are one. The moment a man or woman is not one with his words, he or she has departed from integrity. The scriptures cannot lie. An evil man will always speak evil. A lustful man will always speak lust and a Godly man will always think and speak Phil 4:8.
3. FRUIT of the SPIRIT: The next tool is found in:
Matt 7:16,20 By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?
Every good tree (or person) bears good fruit, but a bad tree (person) bears bad fruit—(Matt 7:17). What kind of fruit should you be looking for in a person you are about to dedicate the rest of your life to? The answer is the fruit of the Spirit which is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Gal 5:22). Of course you will not find these in perfection because we are all works in progress but if you want to marry a person you better find glimmers of these in his or her character. The absence of all of these may point to the absence of the Holy Spirit and you have no business marrying a person who has not a relationship with the Holy Spirit.
2Co 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit let us keep in step with the Spirit. If the prospective partner is selfish, prideful, conceited, provoking etc., RUN for your life. These are not part of the evidence of the Spirit of God in one’s life.
4. DISPOSITION OF HEART: Another great indicator of the location of a person’s heart is how he or she spends their money, time and other resources.
Matt 6:21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also
If you want to know where my heart is, find out what I invest my treasures in. What is my treasure? It could be my money, time or other resources I treasure a lot. Money is a good indicator of the condition and position of a person’s heart. If you want to know where my heart is, when you come to my house, take a look at my check-book or receipts; look at what I spend the most of my disposable income on after the necessities have been taken care off. If I spend the most on clothes and clubbing, that’s probably where my heart is. If I spend the most on gyms and exercise, that’s probably where my heart is. If I spend the most of resources to get to know more about God and to chart a secure course for my future, that’s where my heart is. If I pay a bride price for the hand of a lady in marriage, I am telling her and her family that my heart is with their daughter. So where is God’s heart right now? With his church i.e. with you and me. How do we know that? Because he paid the greatest price i.e. crucifixion naked on a tree pouring out His very blood so that He could be with you i.e. so that he could marry His bride, the church Eph 5.
SO these are a few tools that can be utilized in evaluating a marriage partner but above all, the choice of a marriage partner should be based on hearing from God for yourself. The importance of this cannot be overstated. Why? Because sometimes in life, situations may arise that could cause us to question our choice of marriage partner. On such occasions it pays to have a reference point i.e. a time when you clearly ascertained from God that this person was his choice for you. God bless you.
