On multiple occasions I have heard Christian sisters bemoan the perception that there are not many good Christian brothers with whom they can enter into be a relationship with or marry. I have also heard brother make the same statements.
Today we live in a social media world where people are always putting out information about themselves. In the pre-social media world, to form perceptions about people, you had to draw close to them. Today, you can simply read their status’ and form perceptions about them. When sharing statuses, you should know that potential suitors or their friends and/or family may be watching. Also know that the greater part of communication is non-verbal. Pictures shared on social media platforms communicate as much or more than what you actually say. If you share another person’s status, the likelihood that people will associate you with them and their views is high. If a suitor does not like feminists or masculinists and you share the status of such a person, the suitor might simply gravitate away from any liking they may have had for you because of your perceived associations. Perception, although it can differ from reality, in the mind of the perceiver, is stronger than reality. What perception(s) are you crafting about yourself in people’s minds?
The person you will end up with—married or single—will be a direct choice of yours—not God’s so that you alone can bear the repercussions—good or bad. This is what free will is all about. What you do with your free will in crafting your reality and others perception about yourself will determine those who will be willing to be in a relationship with you genuinely or not, whether they will see you simply as a sex object or someone to cherish, love or respect. Your status’ go a long way to express your view of yourself, reality, relationships and marriage (not necessarily God’s view).
THE GREAT DIVIDE
In general, the average person’s thoughts and ways are not in conformity with God’s thoughts and ways. There is a big difference between God’s ways and man’s ways. Notice I did not say the devil’s ways—but the ways of human beings.
What earned Peter arguably the greatest rebuke in the Holy Scriptures?
Matthew 16:23 (Weymouth)
23 But He turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Adversary; you are a hindrance to me, because your thoughts are not God’s thoughts, but men’s.”
Matthew 16:23 (GNB)
23 Jesus turned around and said to Peter, “Get away from me, Satan! You are an obstacle in my way, because these thoughts of yours don’t come from God, but from human nature.”
God’s issue is not that we have the thoughts or nature of the devil. No, his challenge, if any, is that humanity live from their human nature. Many relationships and marriages are in shambles because they practice what is humanly wise instead of the wisdom of God as gleaned from His Word.
1 Corinthians 1:25 (GNB)
25 For what seems to be God’s foolishness is wiser than human wisdom, and what seems to be God’s weakness is stronger than human strength.
Notice it did not say the devil’s wisdom. Man’s wisdom inherited from partaking of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil is the problem. When this wisdom is imported into any matter (relationships included), decay ensues—because the wisdom of this tree only leads to death the same way it led to the death of Adam and Eve.
Genesis 2:17 (KJV)
17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.
The wisdom from this tree looks GOOD at first but on closer inspection, it leads to death.
Genesis 3:6 (KJV)
6 And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.
She thought she was being wise but eventually her folly caused her priest / husband to also fall in the same folly thereby condemning all creation to death. Her thoughts were not God’s thoughts. Her ways were not God’s ways. In pursuit of a higher wisdom than God’s, she destroyed her family and doomed humanity to thousands of years of pain until Christ came to correct the error of her ways.
1 Timothy 2:12-14 (KJV)
12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
13 For Adam was first formed, then Eve.
14 And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.
Adam knew the truth. He was never deceived. It was Eve in search for a higher wisdom who got beguiled and deceived. There is no higher wisdom than the word and instruction of God. Married couples and those in relationships would do well to never forget this statement.
Our thoughts are problematic because our minds were corrupted through Eve. This is why we need the mind of Christ so we can have the thoughts and ways of God.
2 Corinthians 11:3 (KJV)
3 But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty, so your minds should be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.
1 Corinthians 2:16 (KJV)
16 For who hath known the mind of the Lord, that he may instruct him? But we have the mind of Christ.
IDEAL SITUATION—WALKING IN GOD’S WAYS
Deuteronomy 5:33 (KJV)
33 Ye shall walk in all the ways which the LORD your God hath commanded you, that ye may live, and that it may be well with you, and that ye may prolong your days in the land which ye shall possess.
Psalms 81:13 (KJV)
13 Oh that my people had hearkened unto me, and Israel had walked in my ways!
Ideally God would have us walk in his ways and think like he does but men like t think like men and do things according to the wisdom of men.
ANOMALY—WALKING IN MEN’S WAYS
Isaiah 55:7-11 (KJV)
7 Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.
9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:
11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.
Verse 8 shows us that there are the ways of men and the ways of God. Christianity is about forgoing verse 7 (the wickedness of our ways) and taking on the ways of God (the way he lives and expects us to live). This can only be done by consulting His Word (verse 10). Its only His Word that has enough power to change our ways (our behavior, actions and character). The Word never fails but we must give it priority in our actions.
Relations and marriage are created / manufactured by God and thus only He can show us how to get the best out of His product (relationships and marriage). His word (v10) is the key—not what we think (our thoughts v8 or our ways v8).
The New Testament summarizes all the above verses in Rom 12:1-2.
TRANSFORMING OUR LIVES INTO PRODUCTIVE LIVES
Romans 12:1-2 (Weymouth)
1 I plead with you therefore, brethren, by the compassions of God, to present all your faculties to Him as a living and holy sacrifice acceptable to Him. This with you will be an act of reasonable worship.
2 And do not follow the customs of the present age, but be transformed by the entire renewal of your minds, so that you may learn by experience what God’s will is–that will which is good and beautiful and perfect.
Notice it reads ENTIRE renewal and not partial. Transformation is possible. We can transform our ways into his ways but it takes an entire complete renewal of our minds—subjugating our will to His. We must understand his ways and choose to renew our minds with them. This is the only way to transform our lives positively. This is the only way we can become better people, friends, siblings, spouses etc. This is the only way any meaningful true relationship can be possible without agendas.
MISCELLANEOUS
I heard a sister say, if she walked into a man’s apartment and saw dirty dishes, the man might expect her to clean up as a way to validate herself as marriageable material. She noted that this was incorrect because if the man had respect for himself and for her, he’d be a neater person. The status found on WhatsApp keeps having the word “respect” repeatedly used.
I’d like to address the word respect and the issue about validation. But first let me say, a woman is free to marry whomever she will. Its her right to choose a “neater” man. That’s her choice. I simply want to address a fallacy that could be drawn from the status.
Why was woman created? What is her foundational purpose? According to the manufacturer’s / creator’s manual:
Genesis 2:18 (AMPC)
18 Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.
I know we live in the democratic era where there is equality of rights etc. but the scripture is not a democratic book. It is a kingdom book and was written by inspiration of God. We can disagree all we want but it says he created woman to be a helper (suitable, adapted, complementary) for man. For this reason in the marital relationship, he explains that:
Ephesians 5:24 (AMPC)
24 As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands.
To know how a woman must submit to her man, you must first understand how the church must submit to her man—Christ. This of course is within the context of marriage. For this reason, some may argue that until he marries me, I will not obey as instructed by Ephesians 5. But what you cannot do during the period before the marriage, you definitely cannot do after the marriage owing to a lack of practice. Also notice the subjection talked about here is not in ‘somethings’ but in ‘everything’.
To subject includes but is not limited to respect. So, in connection with the status on WhatsApp, God never asked husbands to subject (respect) themselves to themselves or to respect the wife but rather to love her. He then asks the wives to respect their husbands. For more on this , read The Perfect Complimentary Relationship Between Love And Submission.
Now comes the word validate. If a man is to take you as wife, he is instructed to teach you the word of God (wash you with the water of the word) and only when he is pleased that you have me the mark, present you to himself. He cannot present you to himself as wife unless he validates that you have met the mark or you are able to please him.
Ephesians 5:25-27 (AMPC)
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
26 So that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word,
27 That He might present the church to Himself in glorious splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such things [that she might be holy and faultless].
Understand that when Apostle Paul penned this, he did not add verses. The sentence begins in v25 but ends in v27. We know this because the words are separated with commas and the full stop comes at the end of v27.
People have issues with wives submitting or respecting their husbands in everything but think of a marriage or relationship as an organization with head and subordinates.
1 Corinthians 11:3 (KJV)
3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
Wives have no issues submitting to strange men at work known as heads of departments but have issues submitting to the one man God has instructed them to submit to as the head of the marriage department—the husband. The husband has very right of the head of department—much the same way Christ has the rights as head of his body or bride.
Wives are not only commanded to subject in everything to their husbands (verse 24) but also to:
Ephesians 5:22 (KJV)
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Scripture never asks wives to submit to their parents or pastors as unto the Lord but they are instructed to do so to their husbands. This is the wisdom of God but it seems foolish to the wisdom of human beings.
DISCLAIMER
God is not a wicked God. To protect a woman’s 100% submission, he asks her husband to love her unconditionally—not based on her actions, to die for her if need be and to put her needs first.
Ephesians 5:25-33 (KJV)
25 Husbands, love [agape] your wives, even as Christ also loved [agape] the church, and gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28 So ought men to love [agape] their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love [agape] his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
If a sister goes for a boy who is not mature enough to bear the fruit of the Holy Spirit known as agape, that is not God’s fault. The WhatsApp status should have rather made agape the deciding factor—not respect. Agape is superior to human respect. A man’s wallet, grooming, cleanliness is not as important as his relationship with God, his ability to bear the fruit of the Holy Spirit. All the aforementioned are fleeting but agape is the greatest and lasts forever.
1 Corinthians 13:13
13 And so faith, hope, agape abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love [agape] .
Men are given the greatest task. If you doubt, read 1 Cor 13 in the amplified bible. Never say yes to a brother who cannot agape before you marry him. If he cannot do it before marriage when you guys are in a relationship, he may not be able to do it after—same as if she cannot submit before, chances are she won’t submit, subject herself or respect after.
